Who Am I?

4.31am. Last i stole a glance at my mobile phone. My eyes remain as wide open as the moon above the Cherokee mountains. I have tried every way possible to end this restlessness and doze off besides ramming my head against the 7th foot plastered concrete known to all of us as my wall.

Continously staring fiercely, looking straight up to the dark skies above , nothing to be seen today, its all pitch black, nothing at all as i continue to be in search of constellations to keep my mind pre-occupied. My eyes glare in the night as i look out my window as if a guard dog is on duty , refusing to fall out of my shift.

My FM on the radio played a korean track which lyrics i don't really get except for Because Of You so the title of the song is most probably that. Years ago, the FM station seem like a stranger to me, i thought it was Mild FM. I didn't listen much to chinese programs or mix with chinese speaking friends for i couldn't complete a conversation in chinese.

I am blessed with friends whom constantly speak chinese to me eventhough my chinese sucks big time at that point in my life and i've probably replied to them in an accent that sounded like Mongolian.I speak to my friends daily, quite so often that my mandarin begin to show its improvement. Understanding the language has given birth to a new me, I started to read more on chinese history, chinese war stories {translated version} , listen to chinese songs and keep myself a loyal fan of chinese dramas and as time goes by my chinese improved drastically that a chinese school teacher roll her eyes in disbelief upon being told that i am not chinese educated.

I recall being mocked by my English speaking friends for blending with the chinese educated known to them only as ah bengs or ah liens. I could not bother less to explain to them that enjoying chinese dramas, culture and being chinese educated isn't ah beng or ah liens. Ah Beng or Ah Liens ought to be labels for posers, chinese who do not act chinese.
Stereotyping, yes that was what it was all about.

Clowns playing rednecks behaving like white americans forgetting that they are of the asian origins ,look in the mirror, there's no escape to that.Dressing up like a rap star with blings and a cap, a fake american accent while tuning in to rap and soul isn't a crime but to isolate other asians or chinese who do not support this cause is a crime towards our ancestors , our identity.


The African Americans upon 800 years of opression invented their own music, their own fashion line, their own rap accent and prove to the world that the black culture represents pride, a symbol of progress , a sign of independence for daring to be different. Us asians, tried so hard to be like the blacks , trying so hard to be cool unaware that nothing is more cool than to play ourselves. In the end these posers are the laughing stocks of Asia.

We should learn to appreciate invention and good stuff from the West especially good music, good food,good clothes and their futuristic ideas as a sign of willingness to progress but not till the extent of forgetting who we are? how we came about? our beginnings.

Why dream about making it big in Wall Street if we fail to create a name along the Silk Road?Neverending changes in regime, dynasties, caused wars which lead to numerous destructions, the rich became poor, royal families turn to isolation. The only inheritance left from our ancestors that remain unharm are our cultures.

My eyes are all watery and exchausted . My fingers are all sore and shivering. Its been ages since i last write pages of compositions with a pen. Its at times like this i look highly upon those who write with brushes .

I am starting to see things. A mirage of Gobi Dessert with lots of stars above sticking to each other as if they are trying to blanket me to sleep. Time for me to take a sip of water before i start seeing cactus and camels doing the cha cha.